||[Nov. 30th, 2005|02:48 am]
seeking the perfect body, the perfect life...
|||||money - pink floyd||]|
alright i have a confession to make: lately (being about the past month) Ive been eating whatever i want. and when i say that, i mean ANYTHING i wanted to eat, i ate. And i gained like 17 pounds!! im up to 115 and i want to kill myself. (i was down to 97-98) i cant believe i let myself go like that. it started when my mom started getting worried about my "eating habits" again, and so i started eating when she was around...but the only thing is, once i start eating i feel as if ive failed already, so theres no harm in eating more! I know thats not right, but i cant really help it. i hate myself right now... :-(. Ive been too ashamed to post on this lj the whole time, untill i decided to face my problem...i have no self control left in me. I started fasting again yesterday, but we went out to dinner with my grandma and grandpa and my grandpa isnt doing too well, and i was pretty stressed and whatnot about that, so i ate more than i should have. i ate my whole salad. And today all i ate was two little pineapple pieces. I even have labeled on my calander what and when im going to eat. most days its labeled: only: ld (meaning, a little dinner) <-- cause my mom would start freaking again if i didnt eat at dinner. and other days, like the weekend, when i know that we dont eat dinner as a family, i have labeled: none. Once i get back on track ill be fine, and i know ill be able to do it, but the problem is getting back on track in the first place
thank you for listening to my rantings :-(
(x-posted in my lj)